Friday, February 7, 2014

Did you notice?

I'm back, mostly. I've been trying to get back in the blogging mode after several months of minimal posting. It wasn't a new year's resolution or anything like that. Rather an attempt at doing something I enjoy, chronicling things that I'm already forgetting, pushing forward.

We* are in our last year of medical school. Finally. I really didn't want to come back for it in August. As I told a good friend, I felt like I needed an attitude adjustment. I did. Probably still do. I would stare in the mirror holding my sweet little baby and think, gosh I am so darn lucky to have this life. And still as the hours crept by I kind of wished for the days to just go by, counting down the minutes until bedtime, so that I could go to sleep for a bit before the night wakings began. Things got better as I distracted myself with planning our incredible trip. So instead of processing (or even just recording) our life, I delved into the world of reservations, hotel reviews and travel forums. All that planning paid off: it was the most planning I had ever done for a trip but it was really amazing (and mostly on budget). It was the ultimate distraction, and between juggling preschool activities with household stuff, time just disappeared. So blogging fell by the wayside.

As much as I was looking forward to getting back into a routine, when we got back, my heart just wasn't in it. I already wrote about some of the reasons why so I don't want to revisit them, but I recently had a revelation: I need to spend some time with myself, thinking, processing, enjoying the quiet. I had (I think) become a better homemaker, utilizing naps quite efficiently, but my mind needed a work out too and by the time the kids were in bed I was just too tired to think, let alone read or write. Something else happened along the way: Baby Brother started sleeping through the night. Suddenly it was ok to stay up.

If you've read this far, kudos for sticking with the rambling. So what's on my mind these days: uncertainty. How would you feel if someone told you: "In 5 months (or maybe 4 or 3) you're moving to an unknown location and you're going to have to pack everything up, or maybe just sell all you stuff because there won't be room to pack it up, or maybe actually you're not going to move and you're going to stay here another year (even though you don't want to), but you we won't tell you until 3 (or 4 or 5) months from now, and you have no say about what happens"? I would say that's how I'm feeling. And in the mean time, who will understand? Not the baby or the toddler. Not the friends that have already left or the ones from back home. So that's where we are. Uncertain (but very much still optimistic).


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